Billions of bad customers served
January 17, 2005 —
No matter how hard I try, I don't think I'll ever really understand why some people are such idiots. Education seems to be a priority. Kids take MEAP tests and ACTs and SATs and PSATs and showcase their knowledge of the ABCs and yet come out of school, grow up and leave the rest of us completely S.O.L. Take for example the good people at McDonald's.
Now, I know what you're thinking. I'm going to spew out a 500-word commentary about how the people who work at McDonald's are buffoons. Not a chance, hombre. I'm employed by the Golden Arches. Today's subject is the complete ignorance of those who come into McDonald's.
The customers. The patrons. The morons.
As is the norm with any worthwhile writing, I will first offer a disclaimer to cover my own backside: The views and opinions expressed in the following article are independent of the paper and in no way are affiliated with or supported by the Valley Vanguard.
Furthermore, the author understands that not all customers are jerks.
Just most of them.
To begin, if you've ever raised your voice in anger, made a scene or uttered an insult at a fast food restaurant (or any restaurant for that matter) then you deserve to be tarred, feathered and flogged.
Your 99-cent McChicken isn't worth berating another human being. And, while I'm at it, it's a dollar McChicken. Not 99 cents.
Don't give me a penny for your thoughts cause you're gonna need it.
A week ago, a customer came in upset about his drink. It seems he wanted a Caffeine Free Diet Coke and we just gave him a regular Diet Coke. Never mind the fact that he probably didn't order it correctly. Forget that he got the drink eight hours before and was just now coming back to raise havoc. Please ignore the fact that the man drank the Diet Coke anyways - NutraSweet and all. No, all that matters is that this man wanted retribution; not only in the form of a new drink but a completely new meal as well.
McDonald's isn't going to fork over another Quarter Pounder because someone got a little caffeine in their system. It doesn't work that way. We informed him of the policy and told him we would replace the drink and nothing else.
The man - from this point on, I shall call him Doofus - well, Doofus took offense to this and promptly threw the replacement drink at the manager on duty.
Doofus felt he had been the victim of a terrible conspiracy to ruin both his life and his food and felt he had no other choice than to defend his honor by pulling a Roger Clemens and chucking a pop at someone. Very mature.
Before you judge Doofus though, I must inform you that this isn't the first time he's had problems. See, every time he visits "we always screw up his food." The store manager had spoken to Doofus (and his associates - we'll call them Doofi), asking him what we could do to rectify the situation. His reply: "All I want is for my food to be right. That's all I want." Silly Doofus. Most people want world peace or better health care. If that's all you want from life, you've got serious issues.
The wrong here is that everyone assumes that the employees of McDonald's have some sort of prejudice against them. That when we see them coming, we put ice cubes in their coffee, age the fries by ten minutes and put as much hair on the meat as we can pull out of our heads in ten seconds.
And no, we don't spit in the food. (Unless you specifically ask for it. "Have it your way." Who am I to judge?) The real truth is that if anyone has a prejudice, it's the customer towards the employees.
After all, we work at McDonald's. We must be too dumb to get a better job. Please.
You can take your cushy office job any day. Answer your phones. Reply to your e-mails. You wouldn't last a day in the firing zone I call work.
Then there's the woman who cussed out an employee because she was sweeping too close to her while she was eating. She called her all sorts of unprintable names and even threatened to beat her up. It seems the sweeping was sending all sorts of bacteria, viruses, germs, old French fries, lady bugs and wet snow into the air where it could potentially get on her artery-clogging Big Mac. I see her point. Her health is obviously a major concern. Forget that the woman probably hadn't taken a bath in six weeks. "She ain't want no germys gettin' into her grub." <Insert generic spittoon noise> Did I mention that this woman had just finished buying three Happy Meals for the three children sitting with her? What a role model she is. "Here honey, play with your Lizzie McGuire bracelet. Mommy has to go beat up a fifteen year old."
My all time favorite just might be the man who came through drive-thru and ordered ten Double Cheeseburgers. Now, before I finish explaining, I want to make sure it is widely understood that this order exceeds that of a "normal" order. That is to say, ten double cheeseburgers is a lot of food to make. Preparing this order understandably takes longer than the average order and hopefully the customer will recognize that as well. Yet, on that frosty evening, the man behind the ten Doubles refused to move an inch when politely asked to pull up to the yellow line. He simply responded, "No, I think I'll stay right here."
I find it funny how people respond to the request to pull ahead. It's as if they've been given a death sentence. I'd have to assume that one of the most devastating pieces of news one could get is to hear a doctor say, "I'm afraid it's cancer." These days, the second worst is when a pimplefaced teenager in polyester says, "Please pull ahead and we'll bring that right out."
After a few minutes of asking the man to cooperate, we did what any legitimate business would do and simply refused to serve him. He's not going to cooperate, so why should we? The manager retrieved his money from the register, handed it back to him and asked him to leave.
Now, this incredibly brainy individual not alone refused to budge but he refused to take his money back as well. He'd be a great person to have on your side at a bargaining table wouldn't he? "Oh, you won't give me my food? Well then I'm not going to take my money back!"
Believe it or not, the cops had to be called to get this man out of line. I wish I could have heard that conversation.
Is there a problem sir?
Yes officer. This damn kid just asked me to pull up to the yellow line.
And what exactly is wrong with that sir?
I don't want to.
Why write this article you ask? Well, it's obviously not to plead to those belligerent fools.
They probably can't read. No, I guess my reasoning behind all of this madness is to respond to the thought process of many of these customers. They say that those of us behind the counters aren't going to grow up and be better than they.
We already are.