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Printer-Friendly ModeNew safety measures necessary to protect RFoC dining utensils
March 20, 2006 —
It was while eating RFoC ham with a spoon that I realized this whole fork escapade had gone too far. After spending the last several weeks eating nothing but Quiznos, I decided I finally wanted some real food on campus. And while I found plenty of real food at the RFoC, I was unable to locate any forks to eat it with. Instead, I found only teaspoons and butter knives - leaving me, essentially, up the creek with a paddle when all I really needed was a harpoon.
For those of you not privy to Forkgate, let me regress. Over the past few weeks, the Vanguard has reported that Dining Services has noticed hundreds of forks, parfait cups, plates, and drinking cups have come up missing. And since the likelihood of accidentally breaking a thousand pieces of dishware seems just a bit slim, it must mean that someone is stealing them from the RFoC.
I'll admit I had a good chuckle at the thought of fork bandits sneaking around the RFoC, filling their pockets with Dining Services' fine china. I enjoyed a hearty laugh at the expense of Amnesty Week and its attempt to get some of the missing dishes back. But until the moment I had to eat pork and pudding with the same utensil, I didn't realize just how big of a problem this has become.
Why would anyone want to take this stuff in the first place? Obviously, no one is hocking forks at a pawn shop since I can't think of any around here. I certainly know they don't plan on building one on the 13.98 acres at the corner of Pierce and Davis roads since that was voted down by the student ghetto-hating Kochville residents who know that all college kids do is drink, make loud noise, and steal dinner utensils.
Ultimately, Dining Services is going to be forced to make a decision about the theft, which likely means a change in the quality of the silverware or an increase in the quantity of money we pay to use it.
But before anything rash is done, perhaps some other options should be considered. Maybe metal detectors could be installed, making SVSU the first school where students go through detectors on the way out of the building rather than on the way in. But since that idea seems financially unfeasible, we could also look at different ways of getting the job done.
The "take a fork, leave a fork" system could be implemented fairly painlessly, since so many students have already mastered half of the concept already. But again, this would depend solely on the honor system, something that hasn't worked well for Dining Services thus far.
So how about another way?
A deposit could be provided which would be returned to the student when they bring back the fork. This could be somewhat versatile since students could potentially leave anything from IDs and money to sneakers, iPods, and Chemistry books.
If people decide to walk off with the forks still, their belongings could easily be sold on ebay for big cash. This would easily provide enough dough to buy a round of new fourchettes.
Don't like that one? Let's give B.Y.O.F. a try. Or better yet, students could return stolen forks for a fifty cent discount on their meal. RFoC workers could hand out punch cards with every 50th fork resulting in a free meal.
If none of these options work, the police will have to be contacted. Before too long, officers will be set up in strategic locations around the RFoC - one patrolling hamburgers, another stationed near the waffle maker. When perpetrators are caught, they will be printed and photographed. Their mug shots would be hung up with "Do not serve forks to this person," printed underneath.
Really, all of this stealing has left me somewhat curious about similar experiences in the past. Has SVSU ever seen a conspiracy this baffling before? At some point in the near future, I fully expect a mysterious call from an informant who calls himself Deep Dish professing inside knowledge of the whole elaborate scheme.
In the end, I could again discuss how this affects students, makes college kids look immature, and will cost more money in the long run - but I won't. Instead, I will approach this situation like I do many I encounter: from a pure individualistic perspective.
I do not want to eat ham with a spoon anymore and do not want to embark on a forking scavenger hunt every time I want to eat at the RFoC. I beg all of you idiots who took the dishes to march over to the RFoC, walk in, and return the dishes you took.
Not only will your conscious be free as a result of your actions but you'll also be able to take an ice cream cone or a piece of fruit on your way out.